Meeting Time

Most of corporate America is enamored with the idea of meetings. “The more meetings the better”. “If I’m in a meeting I must be important”. “Why wasn’t I invited to that meeting?” It’s basically an extension of the cool kids in high school leaving out the less cool kids. Very little is actually ever accomplished in meetings, and if you’re like me (and who isn’t) you dread meetings (all of them). Status updates, WebEx meetings, strategy planning, the list goes on. You’d rather be at your desk wasting your time the way YOU want to. All that IS accomplished in meetings can be done by email and we all know it. But sometimes you have to plan meetings. I know this is contrary to what I just said, but unless you get a few “key” people in a room together, your goals will not get accomplished. Again, you could do this in an email, but some just don’t take it serious enough unless you have a face to face (<=shameless corporate buzzwords).


So, if you need to have one of these necessary evils you need to plan it at the appropriate time, which is…

11:30AM.

Why?

No meeting should take longer than a ½ hour. More than this and you’re either goofing off or you’re not prepared enough to have the meeting in the first place. Most meetings are controlled by someone bloviating about something unimportant, or simply talking louder to make it sound like they’re right. More often than not these people are fat and/or caffeine junkies . This is why 11:30 makes perfect sense. Fatties can’t go much past noon time before their glucose levels sink faster than Natalie Wood, and caffeine hounds will be crashing from their 3rd morning Cup-o-Joe by this time. Once these anchors start to drift off, say something…anything that will nip this meeting in the bud. Something like, “So, I think we all know what the next steps are”, or “this has been helpful. We should be all set.” Rarely will anyone contradict you. Fatties and Junkies will be zoning out, and most others don’t want to appear as if they missed the point of the entire meeting and simply retreat off to their respective corners.

And what was the point of that meeting? Nothing really. Just a place to say what needs to be said so everyone on the room hears it and carries on with what they were doing. So, next week when something doesn’t get accomplished, you can always say, “What happened!? We met about this last week!” It’s your insurance policy against others’ incompetence, but it doesn’t have to take hours to get it.

Men: Know Thy Sports

Guys, in the workplace you are expected to know at least a little something about one of the top 3 sports: Football, Baseball, Basketball.


Fuck Hockey. This isn’t Canada, and don’t even get me started on soccer. If you want to seem euro-trash trendy, I guess you could drop some pearls of wisdom about Man U or Juventus, but you better start wearing scarves indoors and smoking 100s cigarettes to complete the transformation. Then do us all a favor and go kick your own ass. Knowing sports makes you more of a man and it is the best casual conversation subject available in the otherwise boring work environment.

Political discussions are pointless. I have yet to see someone change another’s mind on a political discussion, and religion is like arguing about rainbows. If you work in a remotely progressive environment you can all quietly agree that it’s all make believe so why argue about whose fairy tale idol is better than the other.

You can be passionate about your team and even challenge others on the merit of the home-team selection. It’s all bullshit since these organizations (much like the one you work for) could really care less about you, but you’ll still defend them to the death. Men don’t truly care all that much about any sport, but it’s a good time waster at work and distraction from the bullshit at home.

Ladies, I can’t help you here. It’s well known you all hate each other anyways so I guess there’s no point in engaging in small talk. Best thing to do, as most of you already know, is to pick on the slow deer in the herd and revel in your mistreatment of her with the rest of the biddies.

For some reason passion, about your team can get quite vocal and intense, but never reaches the severity of politics and religion. I don’t know who decided sports were less important than make believe idols, but such is the case.

If you have a penis, and you don’t know shit about sports, pick one and start learning. If you think sports are just stupid and barbaric, then drop what you’re doing and go join the local fucking drama club (these are your people).

Free Food=Rock Star Status At Work

I don’t know why this phenomenon occurs, but it seems to me that simply bringing in donuts, cookies, or pastries to the workplace will catapult you to immediate rock star status. Anyone who is a fan of the show Dexter has seen this played out on the small screen, and it rings very true in the real world. You could literally be a serial killer (and your coworkers could actually know this) and still they will worship you for bringing them their paradoxical sustenance of empty calories.


Why do donuts taste so much better at work? Is it because they are free, or does it just make people feel special (part of the group)? Chances are, if you have a job you can afford a donut, but bring them into the workplace and it’s like watching extras from Schindler’s List at the Krispy Kreme factory.

I can’t explain why this occurs, but it’s another way to win over the crowd without a whole hell of a lot of effort. Try bringing some in on a random Friday morning (donuts also taste better on Friday. Don’t ask me why). Be careful not to overdo it, though. A few too many times, and 2 things will happen: One, your porcine coworkers will expect and even demand them (think chubby crack addicts), and two, you will be perceived (correctly) as a major kiss ass, and people will start to talk.

Some people actually enjoy the act of giving (others just say they do). Either way, donuts bring out the best in all of us. So, if you’re thinking about getting that M.B.A. to advance your career, stop by Dunkies first. It’s a lot cheaper than school, and will probably do more for your career.

Your Boss is Sexist So Deal with It

I have worked for both men and women and I can say without a doubt that any and all bosses are sexist. Their sexism isn’t focused on one gender, however. Men and women are sexist against men and women.


Ladies first:

Female bosses tend to hold a bit of a grudge against their male counterparts who they feel are out to get them, and often take it out on their male subordinates. It’s not surprising since most of the male counterparts are, if fact, raging assholes that can’t stand being equals with someone who can’t pee standing up. So, instead of going home and beating the dog (or more likely cat) they choose to take it out on the men who will sit there and take it. Sorry fellas. But she still will be just as catty about her fat, pretty, slutty, ditzy, friendly female colleagues. You can file them down, but the claws are always out.

Now the boys:

Male bosses will take power trips on other men like they’re earning mileage points for it. Nothing proves you’re more of a man by demeaning one in front of others (I wonder if NBC hands out peacock feathers to their male senior execs.? I digress). Every male boss has done this to his male subordinate at least once in front of the pretty secretary (who they may or may not be fucking). It could be passive aggressive or a full out bitch fest, but they will show the horns when they can. Of course, they will also hold their place in the never-ending workplace boys club. I mean what guy wants to talk sports, cars, home repair, and pussy with a chick? You can take the boy out of the locker room, but you can’t take the locker room out of the boy. Besides, who wants to get slapped with a sexual harassment suit? Sorry ladies, you’re just not worth the risk at the workplace.

So what do you do?

If you’re a guy working for a woman, ask her about her day, weekend, sports (if she’s interested). It’s no different than your mate, just let her talk about herself and she’ll be happy with you. Like your mate, she really doesn’t give a shit about you.

Guy working for another guy? Go out drinking. If you can hang (or pretend to hang) with your alcoholic boss (upper management will always have a drinking problem) you’ll get enough embarrassing info out of him to make him think twice about using you as his whipping boy. Invariably, he’ll let slip which office mate he’s fucked or wants to fuck, or what he thinks of his boss. Just pace yourself so you don’t blurt out something you’ll regret in the morning.

Ladies, if you’re working for another woman, let her know how pretty she is. Men may be able to get away with this, but could cross the line into real or perceived sexual harassment and royally fuck over their entire career (I wouldn’t try it). Ladies, you can get away with this. Basically, make her feel like the prom queen and you’ll escape the claws. If you have a male boss, flirt with him. That’s right, just flirt with him. I’m not suggesting you spread open for him, but subtle flirtation will go a long long way. It doesn’t even matter what you look like. You could have the sex appeal of a manatee, but any attention is good attention in his eyes. After all, the only worth a man cares about is his sexual worth (everything else just feeds this).

No matter what, your boss will unfairly judge you based on his/her and your sexuality. Just use their irrational tendencies to your advantage.

Don't Be A Phoney

It amazes me how so many people can keep their cell phone on an incredibly high volume and not keep it on their person in the workplace. At first, I thought there were only certain ringtones that really annoyed me and my fellow coworkers.


An annoying chime, perhaps one that sounds like an old school telephone (how retro and cool!). Maybe it’s a cheesy dance song or top 40 pop tune that someone might tap their feet to when you get a call. Or better still, how about a classical piece to make others think this you are actually cultured.

It turns out though, pretty-much any cell phone ring is annoying by design. Its sole purpose is to notify its owner, someone is trying to reach them. It has to distract to be effective. The problem is, it distracts everyone else in the office. It’s not so much a problem when after 1 or 2 rings the owner can answer the phone. What’s annoying and down-right rude is when this jack-off leaves his or her phone by their desk, and they are nowhere to be found when someone/anyone comes calling.

The phone rings incessantly and far be it of you to actually go over and turn the phone off. That would be an invasion of jack-off’s privacy and personal space, wouldn’t it? Well, what about your privacy? Why should you have to suffer endless playings of a “Before He Cheats” ringtone by some jaded female coworker, or Fur Elise by some pseudo-intellectual’s phone across the way who probably couldn’t name another classical piece save those he’s heard on Bugs Bunny cartoons?

The point is, it’s a simple gesture to either keep your phone on you at all times, turn on the vibration mode, or simply leave it off while you’re at work. You coworkers probably will never confront you about this annoying habit, but rest assured, at first they begin grinding their teeth when your cell phones rings off the hook (so-to-speak). Ultimately, that annoyance will transfer directly to you.

Gotta go. My phone’s ringing.

Abbreviate Your Emails

When sending emails do yourself and your colleagues a favor, keep it brief. Emails are great for communication, but if they become too long it makes you look like either a blowhard or someone who can’t spit it out.


I’m part of the MTV generation and I blame their truncation of videos (you're guilty too, VH1) for my extremely short attention span. Honestly, there are some goldfish that probably have a longer attention span than me. If it takes you more than a few paragraphs to get your point across, pick up the phone, or better still take a walk and deliver the message in person (given this country’s obesity rates, you could probably use the walk).

Use lots of spacing or paragraphs to make it easy on the reader’s eyes, as well. Whenever I get long blocky emails, I tend to glaze over and the point of the email (if there ever was one) is lost.

I’d write more on this subject, but I’m afraid I’d lose you after a few more lines (some of you are already gone).

No Fish for Lunch

One of the quickest ways to make enemies at work is to heat up last night’s fish dinner in the workplace microwave. This is essentially the workplace equivalent of a venereal disease. If people know it’s you, they will avoid you as if you had one. They’ll then go on to mock you and your meal choices behind your back.


I absolutely love seafood, but heating it up in a community microwave is like farting in a priest’s face during communion. It disgusts people and makes them think you’re better suited as a contestant on Fear Factor than working alongside them. Seafood is not normally that offensive, but in a community microwave, it’s like setting up a chum line in the hallway. Do yourself and your coworkers a favor, practice catch and release with your fishy leftovers.

Spare No Expense

As you travel for work you may be tempted (especially these days) to find the best deals and cut your expenses while you are on a business trip. Your efforts may truly be in the best interest of the company, but more often than not doing this will cost you even more money (and provide considerable headaches) in the long run. I’m not condoning blatant abuse of company monies and resources (I’ve seen more than my fair share of company execs do this with glee), but there is certainly a penny wise, pound foolish lesson for you fellow business travelers to follow.


Let’s talk tradeshows. Tradeshows are going to cost you an arm and a leg no matter what. Regulations, unions, and the organizations/associations/foundations for which you are there in the first place all have their hands out. You would be tempted to use alternative shipping, AV, and marketing groups to save a buck or 2 on the whole effort, but these groups are inevitably inferior to the official tradeshow service providers. Delivery of items is invariably late, customer support sucks, and hidden charges pile up fast. What you’re left with is a less than stellar show presence that can cost you customers and even your job. Bite the bullet, know that you’re going to get raped on inordinately high show fees, grin, and bare it.

Parking. When getting where you need to go, park close. Don’t circle round and round to find a more reasonable price for parking. You’ll end up late for your meeting and make a horrible impression (pay the $).

Lunch/Dinner. For God’s sake get a decent meal with whoever you’re meeting. Denny’s is not an option. If the meeting isn’t worth a couple hundred bucks for food, it’s not worth having in the first place.

Marketing Material. Sometimes you may find yourself having to print your own marketing lit on location. The copy-mart bloodsuckers (FedEx Kinkos, Office Max, Staples, etc.) are essentially printing money, and we all know it. The only joy I get from these vultures is watching them completely screw over some pharma rep who is ill prepared for a conference. These bimbos and himbos deserve to be the ones getting ropped for a change. You need these services, you know it, just tell them what you need and bend over. And ALWAYS ask for a proof. If you really want to fuck with them, tell them to do it again a couple times. It’s a small petty victory, but for some of you, it may make you feel a little better.

Remember, you don’t have to party like a rockstar, but frugality has its price (financially and mentally).

Be An Expense Report Retard

For those of you that travel for work, you know what a pain in the ass expense reports can be. Expense reports are kind of like bibliographies. Everyone has a different way of doing them (any of which are perfectly understandable), yet those in charge of these will no doubt bitch that the way you do it is incorrect. If I’ve gone on multiple trips with a multitude of business expenses, I absolutely dread the expense report to come. I’d rather file my taxes than fill that ER out.


My suggestion, is to basically act like a retard towards the accounting group in charge of processing your reports. What this will do is make them think slightly less of you, but at the same time feel sorry for you. They will bitch to themselves and some close colleagues about what a moron you are and how you can’t possibly walk and chew gum at the same time, but after a few trips, they will never confront you about this manufactured character flaw.

Don’t go overboard and try to expense items that may get you in trouble, but simply fill things out completely yet haphazardly. Smile as you hand your ER in, smile and say hi, and be on your way. You don’t want to befriend this person because then she’ll feel she can speak frankly with you about your shortcomings. Don’t be an asshole either, otherwise she will relish handing the report back to you with her required corrections. It’s a balance of pleasance, manufactured stupidity, and curtness, but this balance will offload a great deal of busy work from your plate.

Befriend your IT guy no matter how creepy he may be

It is a well known fact that all IT guys are inherently creepy. They spend way too much of their time in a virtual world without true human contact, and thrive on the power trips they take by applying cumbersome security log-ins and passwords to our computing devices.

Yet no matter how annoying these guys (and they're almost always guys) might be, we need them. We need them desperately. And if you take just a short time to stroke their ego (and only their ego) you'll be paid back in spades. They (like the rest of us) love to be able to hook someone up with additional access or a behind the scenes pass that only they can grant. It gives them worth, value. If you can show them that their help is greatly appreciated, they will adore you. That is, they will adore the privilege they give you.

This in turn will allow you greater access to your workplace essentials, and make you a better performer.

So, when your IT guy says something off-color, uncomfortable, or just down-right strange; Turn a blind eye, and just let him know how important he is. Who knows, he may even name a D&D character after you.