I don’t know why this phenomenon occurs, but it seems to me that simply bringing in donuts, cookies, or pastries to the workplace will catapult you to immediate rock star status. Anyone who is a fan of the show Dexter has seen this played out on the small screen, and it rings very true in the real world. You could literally be a serial killer (and your coworkers could actually know this) and still they will worship you for bringing them their paradoxical sustenance of empty calories.
Why do donuts taste so much better at work? Is it because they are free, or does it just make people feel special (part of the group)? Chances are, if you have a job you can afford a donut, but bring them into the workplace and it’s like watching extras from Schindler’s List at the Krispy Kreme factory.
I can’t explain why this occurs, but it’s another way to win over the crowd without a whole hell of a lot of effort. Try bringing some in on a random Friday morning (donuts also taste better on Friday. Don’t ask me why). Be careful not to overdo it, though. A few too many times, and 2 things will happen: One, your porcine coworkers will expect and even demand them (think chubby crack addicts), and two, you will be perceived (correctly) as a major kiss ass, and people will start to talk.
Some people actually enjoy the act of giving (others just say they do). Either way, donuts bring out the best in all of us. So, if you’re thinking about getting that M.B.A. to advance your career, stop by Dunkies first. It’s a lot cheaper than school, and will probably do more for your career.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Your Boss is Sexist So Deal with It
I have worked for both men and women and I can say without a doubt that any and all bosses are sexist. Their sexism isn’t focused on one gender, however. Men and women are sexist against men and women.
Ladies first:
Female bosses tend to hold a bit of a grudge against their male counterparts who they feel are out to get them, and often take it out on their male subordinates. It’s not surprising since most of the male counterparts are, if fact, raging assholes that can’t stand being equals with someone who can’t pee standing up. So, instead of going home and beating the dog (or more likely cat) they choose to take it out on the men who will sit there and take it. Sorry fellas. But she still will be just as catty about her fat, pretty, slutty, ditzy, friendly female colleagues. You can file them down, but the claws are always out.
Now the boys:
Male bosses will take power trips on other men like they’re earning mileage points for it. Nothing proves you’re more of a man by demeaning one in front of others (I wonder if NBC hands out peacock feathers to their male senior execs.? I digress). Every male boss has done this to his male subordinate at least once in front of the pretty secretary (who they may or may not be fucking). It could be passive aggressive or a full out bitch fest, but they will show the horns when they can. Of course, they will also hold their place in the never-ending workplace boys club. I mean what guy wants to talk sports, cars, home repair, and pussy with a chick? You can take the boy out of the locker room, but you can’t take the locker room out of the boy. Besides, who wants to get slapped with a sexual harassment suit? Sorry ladies, you’re just not worth the risk at the workplace.
So what do you do?
If you’re a guy working for a woman, ask her about her day, weekend, sports (if she’s interested). It’s no different than your mate, just let her talk about herself and she’ll be happy with you. Like your mate, she really doesn’t give a shit about you.
Guy working for another guy? Go out drinking. If you can hang (or pretend to hang) with your alcoholic boss (upper management will always have a drinking problem) you’ll get enough embarrassing info out of him to make him think twice about using you as his whipping boy. Invariably, he’ll let slip which office mate he’s fucked or wants to fuck, or what he thinks of his boss. Just pace yourself so you don’t blurt out something you’ll regret in the morning.
Ladies, if you’re working for another woman, let her know how pretty she is. Men may be able to get away with this, but could cross the line into real or perceived sexual harassment and royally fuck over their entire career (I wouldn’t try it). Ladies, you can get away with this. Basically, make her feel like the prom queen and you’ll escape the claws. If you have a male boss, flirt with him. That’s right, just flirt with him. I’m not suggesting you spread open for him, but subtle flirtation will go a long long way. It doesn’t even matter what you look like. You could have the sex appeal of a manatee, but any attention is good attention in his eyes. After all, the only worth a man cares about is his sexual worth (everything else just feeds this).
No matter what, your boss will unfairly judge you based on his/her and your sexuality. Just use their irrational tendencies to your advantage.
Ladies first:
Female bosses tend to hold a bit of a grudge against their male counterparts who they feel are out to get them, and often take it out on their male subordinates. It’s not surprising since most of the male counterparts are, if fact, raging assholes that can’t stand being equals with someone who can’t pee standing up. So, instead of going home and beating the dog (or more likely cat) they choose to take it out on the men who will sit there and take it. Sorry fellas. But she still will be just as catty about her fat, pretty, slutty, ditzy, friendly female colleagues. You can file them down, but the claws are always out.
Now the boys:
Male bosses will take power trips on other men like they’re earning mileage points for it. Nothing proves you’re more of a man by demeaning one in front of others (I wonder if NBC hands out peacock feathers to their male senior execs.? I digress). Every male boss has done this to his male subordinate at least once in front of the pretty secretary (who they may or may not be fucking). It could be passive aggressive or a full out bitch fest, but they will show the horns when they can. Of course, they will also hold their place in the never-ending workplace boys club. I mean what guy wants to talk sports, cars, home repair, and pussy with a chick? You can take the boy out of the locker room, but you can’t take the locker room out of the boy. Besides, who wants to get slapped with a sexual harassment suit? Sorry ladies, you’re just not worth the risk at the workplace.
So what do you do?
If you’re a guy working for a woman, ask her about her day, weekend, sports (if she’s interested). It’s no different than your mate, just let her talk about herself and she’ll be happy with you. Like your mate, she really doesn’t give a shit about you.
Guy working for another guy? Go out drinking. If you can hang (or pretend to hang) with your alcoholic boss (upper management will always have a drinking problem) you’ll get enough embarrassing info out of him to make him think twice about using you as his whipping boy. Invariably, he’ll let slip which office mate he’s fucked or wants to fuck, or what he thinks of his boss. Just pace yourself so you don’t blurt out something you’ll regret in the morning.
Ladies, if you’re working for another woman, let her know how pretty she is. Men may be able to get away with this, but could cross the line into real or perceived sexual harassment and royally fuck over their entire career (I wouldn’t try it). Ladies, you can get away with this. Basically, make her feel like the prom queen and you’ll escape the claws. If you have a male boss, flirt with him. That’s right, just flirt with him. I’m not suggesting you spread open for him, but subtle flirtation will go a long long way. It doesn’t even matter what you look like. You could have the sex appeal of a manatee, but any attention is good attention in his eyes. After all, the only worth a man cares about is his sexual worth (everything else just feeds this).
No matter what, your boss will unfairly judge you based on his/her and your sexuality. Just use their irrational tendencies to your advantage.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Don't Be A Phoney
It amazes me how so many people can keep their cell phone on an incredibly high volume and not keep it on their person in the workplace. At first, I thought there were only certain ringtones that really annoyed me and my fellow coworkers.
An annoying chime, perhaps one that sounds like an old school telephone (how retro and cool!). Maybe it’s a cheesy dance song or top 40 pop tune that someone might tap their feet to when you get a call. Or better still, how about a classical piece to make others think this you are actually cultured.
It turns out though, pretty-much any cell phone ring is annoying by design. Its sole purpose is to notify its owner, someone is trying to reach them. It has to distract to be effective. The problem is, it distracts everyone else in the office. It’s not so much a problem when after 1 or 2 rings the owner can answer the phone. What’s annoying and down-right rude is when this jack-off leaves his or her phone by their desk, and they are nowhere to be found when someone/anyone comes calling.
The phone rings incessantly and far be it of you to actually go over and turn the phone off. That would be an invasion of jack-off’s privacy and personal space, wouldn’t it? Well, what about your privacy? Why should you have to suffer endless playings of a “Before He Cheats” ringtone by some jaded female coworker, or Fur Elise by some pseudo-intellectual’s phone across the way who probably couldn’t name another classical piece save those he’s heard on Bugs Bunny cartoons?
The point is, it’s a simple gesture to either keep your phone on you at all times, turn on the vibration mode, or simply leave it off while you’re at work. You coworkers probably will never confront you about this annoying habit, but rest assured, at first they begin grinding their teeth when your cell phones rings off the hook (so-to-speak). Ultimately, that annoyance will transfer directly to you.
Gotta go. My phone’s ringing.
An annoying chime, perhaps one that sounds like an old school telephone (how retro and cool!). Maybe it’s a cheesy dance song or top 40 pop tune that someone might tap their feet to when you get a call. Or better still, how about a classical piece to make others think this you are actually cultured.
It turns out though, pretty-much any cell phone ring is annoying by design. Its sole purpose is to notify its owner, someone is trying to reach them. It has to distract to be effective. The problem is, it distracts everyone else in the office. It’s not so much a problem when after 1 or 2 rings the owner can answer the phone. What’s annoying and down-right rude is when this jack-off leaves his or her phone by their desk, and they are nowhere to be found when someone/anyone comes calling.
The phone rings incessantly and far be it of you to actually go over and turn the phone off. That would be an invasion of jack-off’s privacy and personal space, wouldn’t it? Well, what about your privacy? Why should you have to suffer endless playings of a “Before He Cheats” ringtone by some jaded female coworker, or Fur Elise by some pseudo-intellectual’s phone across the way who probably couldn’t name another classical piece save those he’s heard on Bugs Bunny cartoons?
The point is, it’s a simple gesture to either keep your phone on you at all times, turn on the vibration mode, or simply leave it off while you’re at work. You coworkers probably will never confront you about this annoying habit, but rest assured, at first they begin grinding their teeth when your cell phones rings off the hook (so-to-speak). Ultimately, that annoyance will transfer directly to you.
Gotta go. My phone’s ringing.
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